I remember the last time I felt Happy, and it seems so long ago. Another lifetime? A place that smells like rain and sounds like dreamy solitude, faintly buzzing with purrs. The way I rubbed my feet together on my clean couch, tucked under a soft blanket, surrounded by the candy-colored glow of Christmas lights long after the season passed. Sitting in the still of the dead of night smoking a cigarette, knowing there were multitudes of people around me who could hear me shout, and settling cozily back into the shadows, only a glowing ember. Feeling light. Feeling strong. Feeling limitless. When did I stop Feeling? I remember the last time I felt Happy, and that makes it so much harder to endure. I cannot kill myself. I want to see them again. All I can do is endure.