Promises (and Days Gone Past)

I remember the last time I felt Happy, and it seems so long ago. Another lifetime? A place that smells like rain and sounds like dreamy solitude, faintly buzzing with purrs.

The way I rubbed my feet together on my clean couch, tucked under a soft blanket, surrounded by the candy-colored glow of Christmas lights long after the season passed.

Sitting in the still of the dead of night smoking a cigarette, knowing there were multitudes of people around me who could hear me shout, and settling cozily back into the shadows, only a glowing ember.

Feeling light. Feeling strong. Feeling limitless.

When did I stop Feeling?

I remember the last time I felt Happy, and that makes it so much harder to endure.

I cannot kill myself. I want to see them again.

All I can do is endure.

Optimism (with Frozen Needs)

Some days I want to write and write and write, and then there are others... the days where I feel as though I physically would choke and die if I attempted to open my journal and put ink on page. I remember that choke . I used to feel it tighten my throat whenever I cracked open a box of cheap wine and realized I had drank more than intended the night before and could not make it through an entire day with the remaining contents of the sloshing, poisonous bag. I used to feel it whenever I attempted stepping out of the house, and unless it was for another box of wine, I often let it defeat me. "The Gift of Fear" I thought, priding myself on being so good and so gentle with the mental illnesses that trapped me in that apartment for five slippery sloshing years. Mental illness does not deserve my kind regard. Recently, I've been feeling pretty down on myself, because at 235 days, I am not a saint. The miraculous transformation I expected to continue in...

Partnership (with Benefits)

A Thought from last night... Usually, I have very nebulous reasons for staying in a partnership. It was something I placed more on myself: "I like the way I feel when he..." or "He makes me..." and the longevity was usually based on my perception of their capacity to put up with my bullshit. Small fights breaking out isn't new for me, but not feeling more secure in the relationship bonds after a tit (or alternatively, breaking things off completely) is strange territory. E. is not afraid to walk away after a fight. He makes it very clear that he stays here so long as he chooses to, and I respect that so long as it's benefiting him, he will find it easier to choose my company. I am very much the same way. Thank god we both prefer to talk over conflicts (after a healthy cooling-off period) and find compromises within those conflicts. I find it somewhat important that a partnership doesn't crumble the first time voices are raised. And I'm ve...

Thankstaking (with Hunger Pangs)

I should know better by now, than to give into the solitude. The familiarity of self-destruction, but once more I choose to celebrate only Me. Another holiday where I stay indoors, where things never change, where I stay in control of my environment in the same way a fish can move pebbles around its bowl. I know better than to smoke, but I bought another pack today. One last hurrah , except this time its Cowboy Killers, red on white, an exciting stranger in my home. I take the world in 5 minute, burning breaks, lungs tense and aching, and I suffocate the bright sunshine, the riotously colored trees, and the unseasonable weather, which somehow helps me disconnect myself from the experience outside of my front porch. My head aches. I am sick, but I am too disassociated to care. It is a Feeling , and like many others, it can be suppressed if I smoke until I'm dizzy and drink lukewarming coffee until I'm jittery. It's the closest thing to bein...

Life & Death, with Flowers in-Between

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