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May Day (with Bruised Knuckles)

So.  I still have the capacity to be an absolute monster.

I'm glad to know that was part of my personality, and not completely fabricated by alcohol.  Push me far enough and I still become a kamikaze: wind me up and all I know is anger.  No concept of pain, or danger, or fear, or defeat... which is funny, coming from a perpetually anxious, agoraphobic mess, such as myself.  Then again, I've always felt completely capable of flying in my element...
Is fighting really something that people can find environment within?  Is strife a comfort zone?  Why am I so quick to provoke?  I hate that I can't seem to stop it until I see blood.
I have so many questions, and the answers to them seem to lie in my upbringing;  my sister is the same way.  I've often asked myself, why are we both so quick to flare up?

I haven't changed as much as I'd thought, in a year.

I'd just managed to stay away from the things that make me uncomfortable.

The Work remains to be Done.


As I am right now, I think the man of my dreams could be served up before me on a golden plate and I'd still find a way to ruin things.  I'm too volatile... and I'm still not certain what I'm looking for, or where my boundaries are strongly set.

I don't feel worthy of the man of my dreams right now.
I don't take good care of my skin, and without full-face makeup, I'm homely at best.  I don't work out, so my body looks bad from most angles, other than the carefully curated ones I use in photos.
I can't do anything really about my flat chest, but I could do something about my ass...

I'm not wishing to change anything that is outside of my capacity.  I'm wishing for the determination and dedication that I'll need to make a change... to not feel so weak.

I want to be stronger.
I want to be more interesting.
I want to be prettier.
I want to be a worthwhile partner.
I want to make these lovely memories with someone who will be by my side for the rest of my life.  That's what I want the most, and what scares me the most.  Finding that I'm not worthy yet...

I'm good with finances and housekeeping.  I have a stable career, an income which I'm finding can provide for two quite comfortably, provided that those two have relatively modest needs.  I think I'm generally a pretty easy-going person... the past month has been a challenge to that, to say the least, but after a month of cohabitating with a large personality such as E, I've learned a bit about finding my spine and standing up for my boundaries, where I find them truly unmovable.
I've learned a bit about questioning my boundaries as well, and seeing where I'm refusing to yield or compromise just to be stubborn, as opposed to where I actually feel strongly that boundaries should lie.

All things considered, it's not been the worst, most catastrophic thing that could've happened to me.
I've learned a lot about myself, I think.

April has once again proven to be a month of booming growth for me.


One more month is all that I can give him.  No matter where my feelings lie at the end of it.
June is when I truly begin reclaiming myself, starting with my home.

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