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Persevere (with your Wet Wings)

I shouldn't have even been there... the urge struck me like a woman possessed and I risked the tipsy trip to 7-11 for cigarettes because NICOTINE GUM WOULDN'T TASTE GOOD WITH WINE. 
Just in time to see the most peculiar checkout scene... the girl looked 12, maybe younger.  her mom was on the Nod in line and the girl, she flitted around trying to make sense of the whole thing, poor little butterfly not understanding why her wings were so damp...
"He's here, Mamma!  I see the white car in the parking lot... here, let me use my card..." and she finished the transaction deftly while her mother leaned her head back and moaned. 

Clearly distraught, the sweet 7-11 attendant tried to hand her the purchases, both hands carefully draping her outstretched extremity with the plastic.  
"Hold onto it... hold onto it tight" he beseeched her, as she stumbled towards the exit, her daughter chastising her ("Mom... MOM!  You forgot my DONUT") and then turned pained eyes to me after she was gone into the night. 

"I see her in here a lot.  Always like this" and he fumbled for words but I read his pain. 
"Yeah, I see this a lot around here.  people can't get help unless they want help for themselves" I say, eyes cast down, knowing I too am there for my Fix.  

He rings me up without judgement, but I feel compelled to say more.  " Hey, keep your head up, man." 
"You too, miss" and my heart breaks into so many pieces I cannot count. The kindness of this stranger, who sees so much, who peddles to our addictions, and must remain a silent onlooker. 

I hope he goes home to a kind place, and lets the weight of the night go, not knowing he has sold another addict another aching hangover, because she has no one waiting for her in a white car, no daughter to try and keep her on track. 

My heart aches for all of us lost souls, and those seeing cycles they may never know how to break.  what a life. 
what a loss.


I poured out that bottle of wine, and the glass I poured myself from that bottle of wine.  I wasn't planning on it, but when I got to that point... 1.5L of cheap rose to the winds, I somehow turned my head instead.
I'm not doing great... these relapses seem relentless, and I cannot recover my momentum like I did in mid-October... when I dared dreamed of a better life.
But somehow, I keep trying.

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