Life & Death, with Flowers in-Between

Finally feeling ready to come back to my human form.   I come up in stages, travelling each zone as a deep-sea diver would return to surface.  Between each intercostal space, I rest.  I, too, have become a force to be reckoned with. A chaos within my own life, a rumbling within the bowels of the serene sea. They say the first year is a gift. The second year is where the Work begins.

Since last I've written you, I have broken sobriety.  At 375 days I bought a bottle of wine as part of a charcuterie evening and made the conscious decision to see where I stand in my addiction... the cucumber testing the waters to see if she may not entirely  yet be a pickle.  I know . I am disappointed in the outcome and have since twice drank to the point of inebriation and, most distastefully, hangover.  I have not missed that feeling, nor have I become any better in the absence of it... I still procrastinate to the point of disaster, even without the excuse of hangover symptoms.   I still avoid uncomfortable conversations, even when alcohol makes me looser of tongue and more prone to break the silence when I've got something on my mind. I can't justify this as a sustainable way of living, not when it holds me hostage and strangles what little growth I've managed to make on those character defaults. Actually... E. has been invaluable in the wealth of pe...

Dear Friend- When I get like this... it's not that I don't want to see you.  I want more than anything to come see you, and talk to you, and smile, and feel better, because I know seeing you will help... I know this, but when I look in the mirror, I see something so grotesque and unlikable that I can't imagine being close to someone so radiant as you.  To bask in your regard wearing a fake skin of makeup and carefully selected clothing... it feels so fake. I'm scared because at some point I may feel compelled to take off that clothing, and... what then?  I cannot really quite place what is wrong about my appearance.  It's infuriating, because if I could find the imperfection, I could fix it.  It's what I do, and do quite convincingly for others... but alas, no that is just my face... I've become used to it. What matters is that you find me beautiful.  That for a while, I can bask in your regard, and smile, and laugh, because you see something in me tha...

A Thought from last night... Usually, I have very nebulous reasons for staying in a partnership.  It was something I placed more on myself: "I like the way I feel when he..." or "He makes me..." and the longevity was usually based on my perception of their capacity to put up with my bullshit. Small fights breaking out isn't new for me, but not feeling more secure in the relationship bonds after a tit (or alternatively, breaking things off completely) is strange territory. E. is not afraid to walk away after a fight.  He makes it very clear that he stays here so long as he chooses to, and I respect that so long as it's benefiting him, he will find it easier to choose my company.  I am very much the same way.  Thank god we both prefer to talk over conflicts (after a healthy cooling-off period) and find compromises within those conflicts. I find it somewhat important that a partnership doesn't crumble the first time voices are raised. And I'm ve...

So.  I still have the capacity to be an absolute monster. I'm glad to know that was part of my personality, and not completely fabricated by alcohol.  Push me far enough and I still become a kamikaze: wind me up and all I know is anger.  No concept of pain, or danger, or fear, or defeat... which is funny, coming from a perpetually anxious, agoraphobic mess, such as myself.  Then again, I've always felt completely capable of flying in my element... Is fighting really something that people can find environment within?  Is strife a comfort zone?  Why am I so quick to provoke?  I hate that I can't seem to stop it until I see blood. I have so many questions, and the answers to them seem to lie in my upbringing;  my sister is the same way.  I've often asked myself, why are we both so quick to flare up? I haven't changed as much as I'd thought, in a year. I'd just managed to stay away from the things that make me uncomfortable. The Work re...